omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
