WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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