I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
