It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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