I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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