So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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