i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
