I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
