There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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