just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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