How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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