you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
