Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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