It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
