So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I party with great urgency now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
