Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
