i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
