I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
