My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
