I want to walk on stilts...naked
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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