My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
