Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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