My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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