Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize