I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
