i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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