You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
