Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
