um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
