I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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