Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
