you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
