Moan for me like Helen Keller
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
