Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
