No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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