Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
