There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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