Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
