Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
