was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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