Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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