if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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