I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
