oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
