Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
