I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
