I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
