i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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