whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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