I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
