thus making me awesome and them whores
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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