Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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