Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
