that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
