put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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