What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
