he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
