i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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