if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize