i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
