even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
