We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
no, he came in my armpit
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
