tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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