life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Buhtt sex?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
