Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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