I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
where am i from again
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize