your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just cropdusted the office
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
