while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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