it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
